Today... Today... Today, was one of those days...
One of the days that I'd like to be able to push rewind and have another try at it!
Today I realized that I as a Mom still have so much to learn. Today I realized God's goodness. Today I was grateful for forgiveness both in the eyes of the Lord and in the heart of a little girl...
It started out like every other Wednesday. Busy, but we know the routine. The girls went up to the schoolroom and I got the dishes in the dishwasher. I met them upstairs, some were hard at work and some needed to be redirected.
On Wednesday I have a babysitter for a few hours so I prepared a little for her as they worked. I then gave them a gentle reminder to make sure they brushed their teeth and went to the bathroom. They all responded in unison- "YES Mom"!
My mothers intuition told me that they all didn't do it- so I checked toothbrushes. Emma's was dry. I called her to the bathroom and asked her again- I was not upset at all. I just wanted everyone to brush their teeth and move forward with the day. Emma just looked at me and would not respond.
To make a long story short- the point was lost in the interaction. the interaction digressed from one of a gentle reminder, to a lesson and then to frustration on my part. During all of this I could see our daughter moving further and further away from me into her own little world. I could read her eyes- I tried to bring her back but couldn't. She was lost in a world from the past, a world she does not want to be in, a world where she is afraid and alone. I was not overly upset but fear took over Emma and she froze.
I ended up brushing her teeth- which I do sometimes anyway- because she misses portions when she brushes (like all the front teeth). Tears fell down her cheeks- I felt awful, she felt awful.
I immediately questioned myself what could I have done to prevent the downward spiraling of this interaction.
We went ahead with our day- both with heavy hearts. I prayed all day as I was accomplishing my minor tasks and checking them off the list. I prayed for forgiveness (fyi- I didn't do anything horrible but I didn't handle it right either). I prayed for Emma, I just kept on praying.
I felt like I had lost her. I wondered if I would get her back. Would it be the same between us? Where had she gone in her head- she was so far away, it scared me.
Emma has not had good experiences with mothers. We have recently found out more information on Emma and Ellie's abandonment. We thought they had been taken from the home but it seems that may not have been the case.
Of course the real truth is lost. Lost in convenient stories for adoptive parents, lost in translations from a younger sister, lost in what memories are too painful to tell or to realize.
It really is heartbreaking...
I came home after a few hours. The girls were in the kitchen. Emma looked at me like she was glad to see me (I was glad for the look in her eyes). She walked right over to me to get a hug(she still turns and gives me her back unless I instruct her to keep facing me and stand straight on her legs). I hugged and hugged her, told her I loved her, kissed her cheeks and her forehead. Little tears where in her eyes. She smiled and once again the look of peace was on her face.
I am so thankful! Thankful that she came back to us with her heart and mind. Thankful for God's forgiveness. Thankful for God's grace. Thankful for the little smile on a precious little girl's face.
I am contemplating attachment therapy for us. I am generally not a fan of therapist but if we get the right one- it could be so incredibly helpful. I have read all the books and if I had the time I would read them all again. Sometimes I feel like I need someone to talk too. Someone to help me figure out how to help our little girl and how we can give her the best life possible. I will be praying about this and see where God leads us.