Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Facing my little fear...

For some reason I have been thinking
"I don't know if I can do this"?

Where have these thoughts come from?
I don't know?
How did I get this seed of doubt and how did I allow it to be planted...

How could I trust God with so much and then decide I can't trust Him with this...

How foolish of me.

He has already moved mountain for us and preformed miracles right in front of our eyes.
 Even more so since we have been adopting His children.

Of course, He can do this...
How could I have doubted him?

In fact-
 He can do this gloriously!

And if HE can do this 
than I can do this
and Hubby can do this.

Some may understand my fear.

Some have already conquered this and successfully completed the task.
Please comment and give me some hints on how to do it!
I am planning to pray my way through every day and to focus on school, in hopes that we can get ahead and have a few days off with our new boys!
I even mentioned Saturday school to the children... it wasn't a big hit so we will see ;-)???

It's kind of silly for me to be fearful of the event ahead.

Today I have been praying over it and it dawned on me-
 don't be afraid
you can do this
I will not leave you
just give it all to ME.

And I believe HIM.
So now I am focusing on the excitement and not allowing fear to enter in.

Our Consulate Appointment in on Dec 4th!
Hubby and Mark are preparing to leave to get our two boys!
We cannot wait to get them home!

I wish I could go and be there to meet them and to have this experience- the first memories with our two new boys!
I imagine myself meeting them on bended knee but I guess that will have to happen at our local airport!

I know that I am called to be home with the other children.
The last journey was hard on them.
They missed their Momma and daddy and their schedule.
We have had too many recent adoptions to for me to leave them AGAIN...
I am happy to be staying with them BUT I want to be two places at once...

Hubby and I have never been apart for soooo long.

I know!

So many families go through so much more...
How can I be fearful of this?

We have almost completed our packing.
And things are just about ready...
With our other adoptions we would have been completely ready but things have been busy and this year has been eventful.

On the home front we have purchased an extra refrig/ freezer for extra milk and meals.
Which will arrive a few days after they leave for China.
We need to stock up on a few things!
I can't run to the store everyday like hubby does for us.
The grocery store is very close to his office!

Our home is not as close to the grocery store(or any store) as we used to be.
We are trying to get our home to a point where we are settled and have the things we will need during the travel time.
we are trying to figure out the electronics end so somehow we can talk and Skype with each other.
(Please pray that this works out!)
We do not have high speed internet here so I may need to go to hubby's office to Skype?
I guess that's country liven for ya!

The boys bunks are here and their room is looking good!!

 Ben will sleep on the lower red bunk under Sam!
He was born with Spina Bifida and we need to see how he is doing before placing him on a top bunk.

Joseph will be above Luke.
From the videos we have seen climbing up there should be no problem for him.
Plus he may be a bit active so the corner spot is perfect!
3 other little boys will be able to say- "get back in bed" or "Mom, Joey is climbing out of bed"!
Reporting works for our family!
(and it's not technically tattling!)

 We have the curtains are on the window now but we still need to hang pictures.
This will happen once they are all home!

The closet system is in and we are starting to put their clothes away!

The bathroom is smaller but it will work great for our boys!

When I showed the rooms to one of the older children... his response was...
Well, you're not going to win any decoration awards but considering you will have 13 children, 
it's looking good!
Thanks honey...
That was the first time I realized that... the rooms were... kinda full 
; - )
Truthfully, I thought I was on my way to a decorating award!

This is the big girls room! 
We still need to hang pics and do finishing touches... once the hubby is back home!
We also need to organize the big girls clothes!
They have been wonderful and have worked out of bags and suitcases!

Putting bunks in front of windows is not what I would normally do BUT Hey, it's working!
(the green wall is NOT that bright... Ben Moore HC 113 Guilford green- love the color!)

And the little girls room!
Once again, it's in need of a few finishing touches!

We are trying to encourage hubby and big bro Mark to take lots of pictures- they are not usually the photographers of the family, so that will be challenging for them. I hope to have this time documented through pictures (as best as they can).

I've requested 10 pics per day! Hopin' they deliver!

At home-
we are trying to take as much as possible off the calendar so things go well.
No extra Dr appts or extra activities.

I'm going to embrace this moment and use it to grow and to lean on HIM.
Your prayers are welcomed for those in China and for the rest of us at home!

I will be sharing their journey with you!

We were unable to Skype with Ben.
It is already in the regret category...
It is just this season of our lives that made it impossible for us.
I think it is an amazing opportunity and would have done it in a heartbeat if we could've...

I hope this will be offered to more families in the future!

Soon there will be two less!
Gotcha Days are November 18th for Ben and the 25th for Joseph!
Praising GOD!


Kelleyn Rothaermel said...

You can do it! Fear is a clever one, he likes to sneak in there and stop us fro doing amazing things.

LaRita said...

How very brave and true you! You can do this, too! You will all be together very soon!

PS. I think you're an awesome Mom and decorator! :)
I'm praying for you and your new bundles of joy!


Rebecca said...

You're going to be fine:) you CAN do this. My goodness, what's 2 more right? ;) My plate is so full with 6. I honestly don't know how you do it. Please tell me you have an extra grown-up or two helping you out on a daily basis or you'll put us all to shame! Seriously though, God has already equipped you Jean. Look what you're doing already. It's amazing and it's a testimony to His presence in your life. I can't wait to see those two boys in that big family photo... Plus that new little grand baby. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full!!! XO

Emily said...

Oh my, that is so soon!!! Four more days!
You're going to do great. I'm praying God's peace will completely overwhelm you in the days you're apart. He WILL give you everything you need.

Lori said...

Oh Jean, I remember feeling SO ANXIOUS about Kelly traveling to get our boys without me. UGH, it was an awful feeling. Just stay focused on the jet-lag for you! Your kiddos at home will be so much more at ease with you being there. You have time to continue organizing. AND MUCH MORE. Really, once everyone is back home I think you will see how beautifully it worked out!

You have an entire army of fellow-adoptive moms who will pray & encourage you through this! We're here for you!!

The bedrooms look AMAZING! I think your decorating is fabulous!

Janet and Kevin said...

I will pray for you all. I am struggling with fear as well over our latest adoption. We don't really know about Grace's health. It appears to be worse than we thought because her LOA came as "complex disease" instead of mentioning her birth mark. We are pretty sure she has Sturge Webber, and we are somewhat prepared for what that means but not totally prepared. Also, I am traveling without Kevin this time.

But throughout it all, even though we don't know how it is going turn out, God knows. I wake every morning uttering, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Lean not on your own understanding . . ." Praying for you as you all go through this time of uncertainty.

janet and gang

Eileen said...

We're also in the country and can't get high speed internet. We've tried to Skype and sometimes it will work for a few seconds, but that's it. Very frustrating. We also have to go to the office.

Gwen Blanton said...

Prayers for all and your family continues to grow and change. Also, I love your decorating; the rooms are cheerful and cozy.

Joy Altman said...

I am SO excited for you all, Jean! I know your heart hurts over not being able to meet your boys in China. I would feel the same way. Praying for you as you are at home with the other children. Our Jesus is faithful!

Gigi said...

Psalm 94:18-19
18 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
Hang in there He will get you through this. You have been thru A LOT lately. Prayers for you and your sweet family.

Leah Spring said...

So excited for you, and I love the kids' rooms! Ok, I have a confession. When my mom was pregnant with me the family home burned to the ground. Everyone got out safely, but mom, in her frantic attempt to save things, was in the house longer than she should have been. In the end there was nothing saved except for a handful of pictures and the family dog. She was 8 months along with me. Now I'm 46 years old and have fire dreams all.the.time. I wouldn't call them nightmares because they're not scary, but they happen several times per month.

We had our three boys in one room in bunkbeds. Because of where doors/windows/closet were, there was no choice but to put the bunks in front of the windows. It was fine. I was fine. All was goon. Then suddenly 5 months later I started waking up in the night panicked about that window and not being able to get it open to get the boys out should there be a fire. I ignored this for weeks. Then one night about 2 months ago our smoke alarms went off. In my sleepy haze the first thing I did was grab my daughter. She is normally in a basement bedroom (it has an egress window) but on this particular night she had decided to sleep in the spare bedroom right next to the boys. I dragged her into the boys bedroom with me. I have no idea why I didn't go to the front door just 20 feet away!!! Anyway, I couldn't get that window open without moving the beds, but the beds were jammed together so tightly there was no moving them. As it turns out, there was no fire in our house. Our power had gone out for some unknown reason and it set our alarms off. I took that night as a warning that I needed to do something about those bunk beds.

The following week we did a big room shift. I realized there is no rule that says Mom and Dad must be in the biggest bedroom! DUH! So we put the boys in the master bedroom where there was plenty of room for all of them, without a bed being in front of the window. We moved into their previous room.

There. End of story. ;-)

Chris said...

Hi Jean
I KNOW you will be fine.
You have been THUR A LOT already this year, and now, 2 more boys coming SOON:)
Moving is a huge undertaking with all our adopted children, it brings lots of emotions for parents and children, and you are adding to your family, with 1 parent traveling-I would say, FEAR is a normal thought to flit thru your mind, but you will BE FINE!!!
You have lots of moral support from your blog fans, and we will pray you thru this.
Just know this, it is a natural path we would want to take, but keep fighting it, and wait patiently for those wonderful pics to come in each day.
I say, if you have to go to hubby's work, SKYPE, we skyped each day, sometimes 2x, and it helped so much-you will be plenty busy, but Jim, he will have some long hours-make it work, for both your sakes!!
Hugs from Wis

Sarah said...

I will absolutely be praying for your whole family, Jean!

Kath said...

Jean and family:
One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes it one minute at a time. Get an extra set of hands, pay your sitter for extra hours, keep in touch with your blog/adoption supporters. Get someone to come in and relieve you through this busy, stressful time. Give yourself little breaks, one less load of laundry, one less meal at home, soup, soup and more soup. See if there is a home delivery service for groceries or meals, we used one in VA, Dinner Done, good stuff. More meals on paper plates with plastic everything, bring your usual routines down a notch for awhile. CROCKPOT, maybe 2 or 3 crockpots, one pot meals, on the days you cook. Remind your kids that you are all in this together, let go of some of the school and house plans until you have extra energy and help. Enlist some friends to lend of hand since you are not travelliing, don't try to make this without some helpers. My husband travelled without me for one of our adoptions and at the time it was hard, but honestly in the big picture, I am the only one that lost out and for many good reasons. It's okay to feel a little strange and uncomfortable that you will not be there from the beginning. We had a cell phone so I could hear the process on gotcha day as it happened. Let go and let GOD. You can do this!

Sally-Girl! said...

Just a text away sweet friend o' mine!

Wendy said...

Wow, 4 days!!! How exciting. I wonder if some of your fears and self doubt are from some of the things happening recently with others being ignorant. Jean, you are an amazing person. I sure wish I lived closer...I would lend a helping hand....
Deep breaths and lots of prayers.
You will rock this and all of us have your back.
P.S. You can decorate my daughter's room. The rooms all look awesome!!!

Jolene said...

I was unable to go with my husband to China (for 3 weeks) to adopt our two China blessings and I grieved it heavily. I still get pangs of regret a year later but I see God's hand in the entire situation now. I praise God actually that I didn't go. I was needed here with my children that were and are still hurting. God has done much to heal the broken hearts and that required sacrifice from me....with me staying home.

I pray that you are able to see God's hand in your unique situation.

Stephanie M said...

Will be praying for you all, Jean! Do not let fear win!!

Sue said...

I always feel that Fear is a good thing, as long as it is brief. To me when I sense the fear, it tells me to take a step back, take a deep breath, Listen to God and then go forward. I think some of the seed of doubt is because you are not traveling this time, which I can image is very hard. You know that it is the right decision to stay home, but still doesn't make it easy. You are wonderful and you will do it with all the support you have.

Sammy said...

I'm like you and love going to China, but staying home might be kind of nice plus you won't have jet lag! :- ) We had a preacher who said why worry when things never turn out the way you worry. Fun seeing the kids' cute rooms! We just put in a 4th bunk in the boys room too. I've got to get them painted before Christmas since by 5th son will be home for a visit. He was in Germany and I have not seen him in two years.

Karin said...

You can't do it in your own strength but God will give you what you need..WHEN you need it. :) I know you already know that!! I love your positive attitude. I know you have so much on your plate right now and it reminds me of what the apostle Paul said...that the weaker he is, the more strength God can pour into him. Love that! :)

Nancy said...

Jean, please keep me in mind if you need someone to run errands (groceries, T*rget, medicine - whatever). I'd be happy to help out any way that I can.
Nancy Mc